Tho’ here you lodge with me the Night,
You shall not see the Morning Light,
My Club shall dash your Brains out quite.

–Jack the Giant Killer
The Classic Fairy Tales, Iona and Peter Opie

For those of you poor, ignorant fools who fall under the erroneous assumption that all Fairy Tales are disgustingly sweet, sappy, happily-ever-after tales meant to pander to naive little girls, let me enlighten you.

They are tales of adventure and cunning, evil and macabre. They are delightfully wicked, gruesome, and oft times witty. They make a Stephen King novel read like the love diary of Richard Simmons.

Wait. {shudder} Maybe that wasn’t such a good comparison.

My point is that, not only are the classic Fairy Tales an exciting read, but one stands to gain a plethora of practical knowledge that can be applied to everyday life. Like how to effectively steal a giant’s magic boots while he slumbers, even if you are the runt of your family. Or how to escape being slaughtered by an evil, blue-bearded man and tossed into a closet to rot. They will teach you cleverness and cunning. You will become an expert in trickery, learning how to fool an ogre into slitting the throats of his own children, rather than your kin.

But the classic Fairy Tales are not just about honing your guile and perspicaciousness. Oh, no! You will learn what’s really important in life, thereby becoming a better member of society and least likely to spit toads and snakes out of your mouth. Now, I don’t know about you, but I’m all for anything that keeps slimy, fork-tongued, sharp-toothed snakes outta my mouth. {shudder}

(Shut up, Dyckerson!)

On that same trail of thought, you will learn the keen art of thinking before you speak; thereby reducing the possibility of having a link of black pudding hanging fast to the tip of your nose. Seriously, every one knows how annoying that can be.

Another very important bit of knowledge to be gained through the classic Fairy Tales, is how to pick a mate that loves you for you, and not just because your pockets are lined with gold and you have a majestic castle overlooking the town. An added bonus: this tale will also teach one how to garner 100 kisses from the local snobbish princess before giving her the boot. (Not to be confused with the aforementioned ‘magic boots’. I’m actually talking a royal kick-n-the-arse, here.)

Now, I ask you, how can one go wrong with all of that?! Why, it fairly inspires one to write verse.

So go on now… Pick up a copy of knowledge from Amazon today! You know you wanna. Besides, I need to know if these handy-dandy ads really work.

Alternatively, you could just go to the library.